One of the most common questions clients ask is: “Should I tell my adult children about my estate plan?” It’s a fair question and the answer depends entirely on your family dynamic. Sharing estate planning details can feel like a delicate balance between preparing your children for their future roles and avoiding unnecessary drama. Ultimately, thoughtful communication should protect your legacy without overwhelming your children or fueling conflict.
There is no universal rule about how much families should communicate. Some families value full transparency, while others function best with a more controlled release of information. What is universal is that families benefit from intentional, thoughtful communication, not guesswork and surprises.
This issue is more important than ever. Americans are entering the largest wealth-transfer period in history. More than $80 trillion is projected to pass to younger generations by 2045. Whether that wealth transfers through trusts, beneficiary designations, or probate, many beneficiaries first learn about their role during a crisis. Executors and trustees are often uninformed and unprepared to take on their responsibilities. This problem is compounded when parents have not kept their estate plans up to date regarding changes in assets, changes in laws, or changes in distribution preferences. All that aside, some families still have no planning in place to give clear direction to future decision-makers on disability details or on intended asset distribution. Lack of communication or lack of planning can create stress, suspicion, increase administration costs, and in too many cases, lead to litigation.
Finding the Right Balance
Being proactive can dramatically reduce future problems and ensure your wishes are carried out smoothly. However, that doesn’t mean you must disclose everything. The key is finding the right balance. I encourage all of my clients to have a family meeting shortly after the completion of their estate plan. During this meeting, I recommend discussing at least base-level details. This should include identifying who will be making disability, financial, and health care decisions, as well as who will serve as the trustee or executor after death. Children often have certain assumptions about who “should” be in charge. Often these assumptions are driven by personality, birth order, profession, and/or financial aptitude. Clear communication from parents helps prevent resentment and allows any potential drama to be addressed before it spirals. Without this clarity, the person selected to lead may be unfairly viewed as “the villain,” even when they had no hand in the parents’ decision making.
During the initial family meeting it can be helpful to provide post-death details of your estate plan. Initially this should involve communicating whether you have chosen to rely on trust-based planning or will-based planning. Merely disclosing the existence of a plan can be sufficient for some families. Further details and disclosure really depend on family dynamics and giving due consideration to the impact of your estate plan. Often, children and beneficiaries are curious (even if hesitant to ask directly) about how the estate plan affects them. Thoughtfully providing information helps set appropriate expectations and reduces anxiety. Wills tend to distribute assets outright to beneficiaries without control or protection and utilize the often-inefficient process of probate resulting in a slow, costly and public administration. Trusts tend to be more efficient, are more private, and better suited for protecting beneficiaries from creditors, divorces, or poor financial decisions.
When Full Transparency Works, And When It Doesn’t
Families who already communicate openly often choose the “open book” approach, sharing detailed planning structures, financial information, and expected distributions. This can be reassuring for children who are already involved in managing family businesses, investments, or caregiving. I frequently see blended families opt for early full disclosure to avoid misunderstandings or unrealistic expectations.
However, full transparency is not always advisable. If a family already struggles with jealousy, volatility, or conflict, full disclosure can magnify those issues, especially when money enters the equation. Limited transparency may be the better approach when a beneficiary has a history of financial irresponsibility, marital instability or divorce is anticipated, substance-abuse concerns exist, or disproportionate distributions among beneficiaries are planned. In such cases, appointing a professional executor or trustee can help limit stress and prevent conflict during administration.
Practical Information Your Children Should Have
Regardless of how much financial detail you choose to disclose, your decision makers should know where your original estate planning documents are stored. At JGB, we provide clients with original signed documents as well as PDFs. It can be helpful to provide your decision makers the contact information for your estate planning attorney, CPA, and financial/investment advisor. Whether to share full copies with your future decision makers or beneficiaries is a personal choice, but sharing emergency healthcare documents and their location with your primary medical agent is highly recommended.
Thoughtful Communication Protects Your Family
A well-executed estate plan paired with clear communication will help prevent conflict and reduce stress, both now and after your passing. If you are unsure how much to share or how to start a family conversation, our office is here to help. JGB can assist with family meetings, review existing estate plans, assist with trust funding, as well as serving as an independent trustee/personal representative. Please contact our office if you have any questions or concerns. We wish you and your family a peaceful and joyful holiday season!
About the Author:
Spencer specializes in Estate Planning & Administration: Wills, Trusts, Probate Administration, Trust Administration and Asset Protection. He additionally assists clients in the field of Business Law. Spencer works with his partners and staff at Johnson, Gasink & Baxter, LLP, to protect his clients, their family, their businesses, and their wealth. He enjoys speaking as an estate planning expert and is a continuing education instructor on related topics. The firm has multiple offices, but Spencer spends a good bit of his time in the
Richmond area. Spencer is originally from Maryland and came to Virginia to attend Randolph-Macon College. At Randolph-Macon, he majored in political science, minored in literature, and played football for the school. Spencer resides in Hanover County with his wife Courtney, their two children, and their two dogs, Finn & Lainey. Outside work, his hobbies include fishing, boating, camping, snowboarding, sporting clays, as well as anything else that can keep him outdoors.